I was showing Mike Morse around my community in south Florida, and when we got to the first fake lake, he inquired about the “Beware of Alligators” sign. I told him that, “Alligators eventually find their way everywhere in Florida,” whether the lake is natural, or created for one of the “trans-planted-New Yorker” communities. “If one jumps out and chases us, you gotta run away in a zig-zag pattern to escape; his eyes can’t follow you if you do that.” “That’s okay,” Mike replied, “I won’t have to worry about the alligator catching me; he’ll be slipping on the shit running down my legs.” He now tells that story every time he plays south of Virginia.
Mike is definitely not your stereotypical miserable, angst-ridden comedian. It actually takes a lot to piss him off. Like, for instance, when a promoter booked him to headline, had him fly 800 miles, “forgot” to promote the gig, and had “second thoughts” about paying up when no fans showed. “Hey, I’ll do the show for you”, he told the sleaze-bag outside the dilapidated malodorous strip-mall dump of a theater, which would ultimately be gutted and turned into a high-end steak house a few months later. I told Mike that I could bring in the “heavy guns” if necessary – meaning his x-rated puppets and acoustic guitar. “Absolutely, I got a show to do!”, as the promoter finally took the hint, reached for his wallet, and saved me the trip to the car. (Actually, now that I think about it, not even that incident pissed him off very much.)
Mike Morse is one of comedy’s ultimate utility players. He started out as a kid writing for Cracked magazine, went on to become a winner on ABC-TV’s America’s Funniest People, and was the host and head writer of FOX-TV’s stand-up/sketch comedy show, The Comedy Cabaret. For other stuff he’s done, go to www.mike-morse.com, like he made me do.
I first became aware of him during one of the first Howard Stern Show roasts; the one for Howard’s close friend, fashion advisor, and general right-hand man, Ralph Cirella. One of Mike’s lines was, “You’re less welcome in my home than a Jehovah’s Witness covered in dog shit!” It was one of those “Spit out and spill the coffee all over yourself in the car” moments, familiar to any Howard Stern Show fan.
Morse’s best known Stern Show related parody is “Ralphie Cakes”, (which also happens to spoof Ralph Cirella), to the tune of “Baby Face”. Millions of fans know the song. One time, while doing a Howard Stern Show “Super Fan Roundtable” with Ralph at SIRIUS Radio, I told him that I’d invited Mike to join us on the show. Ralph smiled and immediately burst into the song parody written about himself. Morse has had a great run on SIRIUS with the Stern Show as well as with the cult-classic, “Miserable Men”. Now if only Robin Quivers would quit calling him, “That Mike Morris guy.”
Besides his many Howard Stern Show contributions, Morse is probably best known for his long-time gig as Lisa Lampanelli’s opener. But he’s not spared her wrath, of course, having to endure “The Lovable Queen of Mean’s” nightly comments which include things like, “Yeah, I bring this loser to open for me, because he’s obviously got nothing else going on!”
Mike, his wife, and I were 7th row at the Tom Petty show a few years ago in Jersey. I’d called them after my wife and sister canceled on me because they’d been shopping in SoHo and apparently missed two or three of the 50 shoe stores there. So I’d given the Morses the tickets at the last minute, mostly because I was too scared to risk a scalping arrest in Newark. There’s no other point to all this, I just like mentioning Tom Petty.
