It is no secret that I am a Star Trek fan, with a Lieutenant Uhura costume in my closet to prove it. When I meet other fans I often ask: “What would you be if you could be any other species in the Star Trek universe?” Almost without exception the men say, “Klingon!” Well, “Ka’plah!” gentlemen. I don’t know what my fellow female Star Trek fans would be. I haven’t met any.
Eschewing the wonders of modern dentistry, Klingons represent the warrior side of humanity.They value bravery, loyalty, and honor. That’s too bad. If they valued love they’d choose to be Tribbles, because who doesn’t love a Tribble? If Tribbles were human, they’d be Canadians.
Occasionally, someone will say they want to be Q, an all-powerful character that was as funny as he was vexing. But again that bespeaks a man’s desire to be omnipotent without consequence. Surprisingly, no one has ever said they want to be a Changeling (shape shifter). A being with the ability to change size and shape at will? Viagra be damned, arm the photon torpedoes, and fire at will.
And what species would I choose to be you ask? Good question. Star Trek is full of rich choices for women. We don’t all have to be the green chic. Although I admire their prowess with a bat’leth (“sword of honor”), choosing to be a female Klingon is kinda redundant for me. I was born an angry Black woman, so I think I have the Klingon thing covered. I’d also have to rule out shape shifter. Yes, it would take breast enhancement surgery off the table but frequent size changes would kill my wardrobe budget.
It might be nice to be a Betazoid with the ability to read minds. Scratch that. Most times, I don’t even want to know what I’m thinking. Romulan women seem pretty bad ass, but it might just be the big 80s shoulder pads they wear in every Star Trek series. This earns them my vote for species most in need of a makeover.
For both strong and sexy nobody rocks it better than the women of Bajor. There’s an extra sway in my strut when I’m sporting my Bajoran ear cuff. Are you surprised that I have one? Don’t be. In fact, I have two. What!
But the Star Trek species I’d choose to be is Vulcan. Close your mouth. You heard me. I said, Vulcan. I love their logic, their control, and what they’ve been able to accomplish by setting aside their emotions. I envy them that ability since I’ve never really gotten the hang of it. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I don’t have to. Everything shows in my face. It hides nothing, at least not very well. When I’m on stage, it’s great. Off stage it’s a disaster. I think it, feel it, and show it on my mug, everything from love to contempt. It’s all right there in the curve of my lip, the wrinkle of my nose, and the arch of my left eyebrow. If I look like I’m judging you, I probably am. Oh to be a Vulcan.
“But they’re so cold!” my Trek friends say. True, but the Pon Farr, that once every seven-year party, is off the hiz-ook, son! It’s like Mardi Gras times spring break squared. (MG x SB)2.
It’s intriguing, tribalistic xenophobes that we are, that we’d ever choose to be something other than our bright and shiny selves. I can’t say that I blame us though. We’re an ignorant and petty little life form trying hard to kill ourselves and everything around us. Sometimes we try to do better: Art, music, chocolate. And sometimes we don’t: War, slavery, Snookie.
One of the hopes Star Trek Next Gen promised was humanity 2.0. No hunger, poverty, or referrals to see a specialist. How is that not our finest hour? But do we really believe this is possible? Deep down probably not or we wouldn’t be so willing to jump ship to the first species that would have us. But maybe the better question is: what sort of creature is Rick Santorum?
© 2012 Leighann Lord
A very funny lady on the stage and on the page, stand-up comedian Leighann Lord pens a weekly humor column with topics ranging from the personal to the political, from the silly to the sophisticated. Reminiscent of a modern day Erma Bombeck (famed nationally syndicated humor columnist), a fan dubbed Leighann, “The Urban Erma” and the name stuck. It’s a fun, fast read that leaves you laughing, or at least wondering why we don’t have a comprehensive mental health care plan. Follow Leighann on Twitter and be a fan on Facebook.
