Our son, Ivan, is just seven months old, but already he is wise beyond his years and an expert on parenting. Indeed, he has established his own clinic, the #TeamIvan Institute for Parenting, in which he provides advice about parenting methods and techniques. What follows are excerpts of an interview with Ivan (Editor’s Note: The interview was conducted in between his afternoon bottle and his afternoon nap).
1. Your work on parenting is groundbreaking. How would you describe your methods? The child is always right. The parent is always wrong.
2. What are your views on introducing babies to solid food? My views are simple — The child will tell you when he or she is ready for solid food. There’s no reason to rush things. Have you ever seen a teenager who only drank milk?
3. What about the nanny versus daycare issue? What say you? Nannies are great if they’re hot. Otherwise, why do you want to pay money to a woman so she can talk on her cellphone.
4. How many children is optimal for one couple to have? Just the exact number needed to push them to the brink of financial ruin, but not over the edge. The couple should feel the incisor-like teeth and furnace-like blasts of abject poverty, but you still want them to be on the other side of the line, where they have just enough hope to continue to work hard. At the same time, they shouldn’t have too much luxury. They must feel internally that having children must, of necessity, result in them giving up all of their own dreams.
5. What do you think of home-schooling? This is what I think — Whose home? If I get to home school at Jay-Z’s and Beyonce’s home, sign me up. Donald Trump’s home, I’m also in. John Doe, who lives in a squatter’s shack…not so much.
6. If it okay for kids to watch tv? No, it’s much better for them to live tv. You should get your baby a 3-d television, so he or she can fully experience watch he or she is watching.
7. Do you have any feeling about baby toys? Yes, I like to chew on them.
8. Are American preoccupied with babies? No. Americans are preoccupied with sex. Thing is, you have enough sex, you’re gonna get babies.
9. What are you recommendations for discipline in parenting? I think parents should be disciplined constantly. There isn’t a person alive who knows what they’re doing when it comes to being a parent. So, sometimes you just have to roll up a newspaper and bop mom and dad on the nose with it.
10. What are you working on now? Various projects, including how to suck on my toes while conducting a parenting seminar.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
