Our son, Ivan, is just seven months old, but already he is wise beyond his years and an expert on parenting. Indeed, he has established his own clinic, the #TeamIvan Institute for Parenting, in which he provides advice about parenting methods and techniques. Today’s newsletter is a special report on BATHING:
1. My husband and I have a 7-month old son. We disagree on bathing schedule. I say it’s important to bathe our son everyday to establish a routine. My husband says that’s excessive. Who’s right? Are you asking ‘who’s right?’ or ‘who will win this argument?’ Because if you want to know who’s going to prevail in this argument, that’s an easy one — you. The wife always wins. But, then, in fact, it turns out that you lost. Because while you will get your way, and the child will be bathed everyday, you can be sure that your husband will hold a grudge and will never, ever, ever help you. He may also fart in your face while you’re sleeping, so I’d be on guard for that. On the other hand, you can continue your sex boycott to get even. Your husband will then have a brief, ill-advised affair with a secretary. You will then become addicted to prescription painkillers mixed with white zinfandel, and, ultimately, you will wind up in marriage counseling, where you will empty your bank accounts and your valises full of emotional baggage. On the other hand, your son will be very clean…so there’s that.
2. What temperature should the water be for our baby’s bath? If fishermen from Maine show up holding vats of drawn butter and wearing bibs with giant lobsters on the front, the water’s too warm. On the other hand, if you see a Penguin in the bath with the child…too cold.
3. Is baby shampoo really “no more tears?” No, that’s a myth. Baby shampoo is actually made from the tears of Unicorns, Woodland Nymphs and Lawn Gnomes.
4. What are your views on the rubber ducky? The rubber ducky is actually not to be trusted. It never quacks, doesn’t fly, and has engaged in an ongoing, manipulative relationship with Ernie from Sesame Street that has left Ernie poorer, emotionally damaged and reliant upon Bert for a steady supply of amphetamines.
5. I’ve heard that we should only fill the tub with about an inch of water when bathing our baby because of the drowning risk. Is that true? Sort of. Yes, you should only fill the tub with about an inch of water, but it’s not to keep the baby from drowning. It’s so that the baby won’t be able to carry out his evil plot and drown you by holding your head under the water, while he calculates his inheritance and figures out how to make the whole thing look like an accident.
6. Why do people like taking pictures of babies in the tub? Because a Christmas card of a baby making a legendary-sized poop that goes everywhere is not really suitable to spread holiday cheer.
7. If we don’t have a special baby bathtub, can we bathe our 7-month old in the kitchen sink? Yes, just remember to disarm the garbage disposal.
8. Is it okay to put bubble bath in with the baby? You want bubbles? Drink a beer (or that mock “champagne” you tried to fob off on your friends at your last dinner party).
9. When we bathe our 7-month old son, is it okay to use a sponge? He’s not a cereal bowl. Use a washcloth for pete’s sake!
10. When’s the best time to give our 7-month old son a bath? When you want to get away from your spouse.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
