My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 8 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called #TeamIvan’s News From the Crib.
1. My husband and I have no musical talent, so we want to make sure that our 8-month old son obtains so musical ability. What should we do? Start by getting him new parents.
2. When I was a child my parents made me study the recorder. Is that the instrument we should start our child off with? Yeah, if you want him to wind up as screwed up as you are.
3. We want our child to learn how to play the piano. Any suggestions on how to get him to practice? Yes, the way any smart parent gets any child to do anything — tell him not to do it. Next question.
4. Our local schools have cancelled music education classes, what should we do? Don’t worry, your kid wasn’t going to go the class anyway, so he won’t miss anything.
5. Why is music important? Because if you dance around when there’s no music on, people come to lock you up.
6. Why is music education important? Because eventually we need a pop star who knows what they’re doing and isn’t auto-tuned.
7. Our baby seems to like it when I hum. Why is that? He’s just so happy you stopped talking.
8. Can musical ability be taught? Not, apparently, to you.
9. Do babies have innate musical gifts? Yes, listen very carefully when they fart.
10. How do you get to Carnegie Hall? By Subway: A, C, B, D, or 1 to 59th Street/Columbus Circle (elevator available), N, Q, R to 57th Street/Seventh Avenue (elevator available), B, D, E to Seventh Avenue, F to 57th Street/Sixth Avenue. By Bus: M5, M6, M7, M10, M20, M30, M31, M57, and M104 stop nearby.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
