My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 9 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s News From the Crib.
1. My husband and I have an 9-month old. He isn’t crawling yet, should we be worried? Nah, he’s got a whole life ahead of him to crawl. Just look at how well you and your husband crawl and cower before your bosses.
2. My husband and I have an 9-month old. When can we expect him to walk? You can expect it anytime you want. But, the baby will walk the day he/she decides he/she can no longer tolerate looking face-first at your nasty and gnarly toes.
3. We’ve been invited by our friends to attend the 1-year birthday of their baby son. What is an appropriate gift? They should thank you profusely for coming. Also, if they really wanted to give you a gift, they wouldn’t have invited you in the first place. As for what you should give the kid — doesn’t matter. He’s going to just poop on it anyway.
4. My mother-in-law (my husband’s mother) won’t stop giving me unsolicited advice about child-rearing. What should I do? Tell her that you love her, love her advice, and want her to come over everyday to help with the baby. Then serve her a beautiful bundt cake made with chocolate, prunes and ex-lax.
5. My husband insists that the daycare we send our 9-month old is not clean enough. What should I do? Tell him that his comments would be taken much more seriously if he didn’t watch tv with one hand tucked inside his pants and the other one busy picking his nose.
6. How much should we read to our 9-month old? You? Not at all. Someone who can actually read — at least once a day.
7. How much money should we set aside each month for the baby’s college tuition? Let me answer that this way. If you’re in a boat that springs a leak, how many thimbles full of water should you do per month to stop the boat from sinking in an hour? Point is, you can’t save enough, so you might as well not try. Just take the money, go to Vegas and hope for the best.
8. My wife keeps saying we have to use “sleep training.” What should I do? I think that you should immediately go to sleep every time your wife starts talking. Soon enough, she will be trained. Either that, or she will pour a bucket of hot grits in your ear.
9. My wife and I have an 8-month old, and we’re starting to think about “baby-proofing” the house. What should we do? Move into a tent. No house is baby-proof.
10. If life insurance really necessary? I would say that you should get it for your husband, and then ask him if he wouldn’t mind climbing up that rickety ladder to check on the gutters and the metal work atop the house during the middle of a thunderstorm.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
