My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 9 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about me and thinks little of my parenting skills to date). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s News From the Crib.
1. My husband and I have an 9-month old. He crawls backwards but not forwards, should we be worried? I’d be more concerned that your savings balance is going backwards.
2. My husband and I have an 9-month old. He doesn’t have teeth yet. Is that weird? Weird? No, weird would be if he had fangs and only came out at night.
3. Our 9-month old still has trouble sleeping through the night. I’m worried about this, and it’s been suggested by a friend that I follow what the French do to sleep train their babies. What do you think? I think you should follow the French example when it comes to wine, bread, cheese and accents. When it comes to everything else, well, let’s just say that if you want to follow the lead of a country that just elected a Socialist as their leader, then you get what you deserve.
4. Now should we do with baby clothes that our 9-month old has outgrown? Dump…er, uh, “gift” them to another couple with a younger child. As for the soiled diapers you may have collected, give those to your mother-in-law.
5. My husband and I are considering getting a baby-sitter or part-time nanny to watch the baby now that he’s older so that we can have some free time to do chores, personal errands, or even have some time for social events. How should we screen for a good baby-sitter/nanny? Pick the ugliest woman you can find. That way you don’t have to worry about also getting someone to watch your husband.
6. Our 9-month old seems to drool a lot. Does that mean he’s teething or is something else going on? It could be teething. Or he could be salivating over the plans he’s concocting to escape.
7. My wife says we don’t have enough life insurance. What do you think? I think you shouldn’t eat anything she gives you, and you should be very careful around the house. You may also want to watch the movie Double Indemnity for some pointers on what’s really going on in your life.
8. Our 9-month old keeps getting ear infections. Why is that? My guess is that it’s from jamming his fingers in his ears so he won’t have to listen to your shrill voice, you harpy.
9. I’ve heard that babies are color-blind. Is that true? Yes, typically it takes until puberty or adulthood to become a racist.
10. What do you think of co-parenting? I think it’s a nice way of making dads feel like they matter, even though in the history of the world no dad has fed a child by whipping out a chest.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
