My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is nine months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#57)
1. Our 9-month old son likes to stick his fingernails into our faces. Is that normal? He’s probably just trying to dig down to see if he can find some common sense anywhere in your body. Don’t worry. When he finds some, he’ll stop.
2. Our 9-month old whimpers sometimes. Should we be worried? No. Stop annoying him. He’ll stop whimpering.
3. Our 9-month old son seems to want to put everything he can get his hands on in his mouth. When will that stop? When you stop leading by example by eating like every Twinkie is your last meal.
4. If I get baby poop on my hands is that bad? No, it just means that you don’t know how to use a baby wipe. It also suggests that you can’t walk and chew gum at the same time and that you should never be trusted to prepare a meal, since you don’t seem to know whether poop on your hand is a bad thing.
5. We took our 9-month old son to the park, and he ate some grass. Should we be worried? I wouldn’t worry until he’s 11, and he’s smoking grass or…selling it.
6. My wife wants to get our 9-month old daughter’s ears pierced. I think it’s too soon. What do you think? I think as long as its her ears and not some other part of her anatomy, it’s probably a little early, but you should probably worry about some of your other wife’s ideas, like having her boyfriend move in and you move out.
7. Our 9-month old son still doesn’t have teeth, and all the kids in his daycare do. Should we be worried? What’s the hurry? Teeth means dentist visits, and those aren’t free.
8. My wife says she wants to breast feed until our baby is four, like the mother on the Time magazine cover. What do you think? I think you need to do better in the sack my man.
9. What do you think of so-called attachment parenting? I think it’s fine as long as you don’t use velcro or duct tape.
10. Whatever happened to Grover from Sesame Street? He was replaced by Elmo, much like you will one day be replaced by your son in a time-honored, Oedipal tradition.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
