My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 10 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#60) — Special Issue: July 4th Celebrations
1. My husband and I have an 10-month old. Tomorrow is his first July 4th. How should we celebrate? Red, white & blue diapers, of course.
2. Do they really sell those? Yes, however, if your baby soils a star spangled diaper, you will be guilty of a Class B felony — desecration of the flag and will be subject to not less than 10 years in prison and a $100,000 fine. On the other hand, the good news is that you will be a headline on TMZ.
3. Seriously, is it okay to let our baby watch fireworks? He already watches you and your husband argue everyday. Isn’t that fireworks enough.
4. No, I meant the pyrotechnics. I’ve seen you two argue. That’s the kind of pyrotechnics that would put a heavy metal rock band to shame.
5. On another note, we plan on taking the baby to the park for a 4th of July picnic. Do you recommend a particular brand of sunscreen? Yes, I suggest seating the baby under the overhang of your husband’s gut. That area will be shaded all day, no matter the position of the sun.
6. Any tips on how to keep our 10-month old cool while we’re at the picnic? Yes, put him in Ray Ban aviators, have him wear a beret, smoke Gauloises cigarettes and listen to Miles Davis. Either that, or he can wear a tiny, Fonzie leather jacket. Or, if you wish to be more conventional, you could simply stay home with the baby in the air conditioning, but that would require you being selfless and considerate of the child, no wouldn’t it, and we wouldn’t want that now, would we?
7. How long is it okay for the baby to be outside if the temperature gets up past 90 at the 4th of July picnic? Here’s the general rule of thumb — babies last longer in the sun than ice cream but not as long as potato salad. Gauge accordingly.
8. Is it okay to breastfeed at a 4th of July barbecue? As long as you save some for the baby, you can breastfeed anyone you want there. But, I’d watch out for your neighbor, Fred, he’s a bit of a perv.
9. Seriously, is it okay to breastfeed at a 4th of July picnic? Absolutely, as long as you salute the flag while you’re doing so.
10. Here’s a question: I want to be able to teach our baby about America’s history? Why do they call it the 4th of July? Wait, seriously? You must go to public school.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
