My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 11 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#61) — Locomotion
1. My husband and I have an 11-month old. He just started crawling. Does that mean we have to child-proof the house? No. It’s already too late…By the way, don’t look behind you. I think your son just ate the family cat and some dirt from that potted plant.
2. My husband and I have an 11-month old. Now that he’s crawling, do we need to worry about him getting his hands dirty on the floor and sticking them in his mouth? You wouldn’t if you were a better homemaker and kept your house clean. But, because you’re an inveterate slob and live in a home that resembles a hamster cage, I’d say “yeah, maybe keep some wipes at the ready.”
3. Now that our 11-month old is crawling, does that make him more tired and more apt to fall asleep more quickly? I don’t know. When your boss makes you crawl and humiliates you in front of your colleagues just to stay in his good graces, does that make you tired and more likely to fall asleep, or does that get you eager to go sprinting for the pub or over to your local guns & ammo dealership, so you that you can go postal up in that b*tch.
4. Now that our 11-month old is crawling, when will he start to walk? When he stands up, and without your assistance is able to put one foot in front of the other for a sustained distance. For my next trick, I will predict that the sun rises in the morning and sets in the evening.
5. What do you think of walkers? I think they’re great for old people and for hitting someone over the head. For babies, they’re pretty good too.
6. Are there any safety risks associated with baby-walkers? Yes. There are. Despite what you may think, the baby walker was not designed, manufactured or assembled by the CIA or MI6. They do not travel up and down stairwells, nor do they operate well under water. On the other hand, the Aston Martin baby walker does come with swiveling machine-gun turrets, rocket launchers, and a spout that shoots oil out behind the walker as it’s in motion, making the walker fairly dangerous for anyone who would engage the baby using it in a high-speed chase.
7. Seriously, are there any dangers to a baby using a walker? The one known risk is that at some point, you will trip over it and clonk your head. And, yes, “clonk” is a scientific term. Look it up.
8. Our 11-month old seems to only want to crawl backwards. Why is that? He’s either moonwalking or he’s practicing for his upcoming days on the Harvard crew team, along with the Winkelvoss twins.
9. Are splinters a potential hazard to a baby that’s crawling? Yes. You know what else is? Parents who are too damn lazy to sand their hardwood floor or get some area rugs or carpeting to cover over their jacked-up flooring. At least, pry open your wallet and get linoleum put down. You’re cheap and tacky, no one will wonder why you’re doing it.
10. Now that our 11-month old is crawling, I’m worried about germs he may pick up from the floor, since our family dog is outside a lot. Should I be? I wouldn’t worry too much. For years, that dog has been licking its own backside and eating its own poop and then licking your face and nothing has happened to you. Based on that, I’d say the dog is the least of your worries. On the other hand, you might want to go to the Vet and ask him to take a look at that ringworm growing on your face, where the dog licked you.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
