My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 11 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#62) – The Pediatrician
1. My husband and I have an 11-month old. It seems like we take the baby to the pediatrician a lot. Is that normal? What’s “a lot?” Once a month? Once a week? Once a day? If you have a reserved seat in the waiting room, and you’re part of the office’s “frequent patient” points program, you’re there too much.
2. We don’t go that often. On the other hand, isn’t it better to be safe than sorry? If you really adhered to that doctrine, you probably wouldn’t have gotten pregnant. However, yes, it is good to be cautious. But, cautious means careful, not Felix Unger.
3. Well, then, what do you suggest? How do we know whether the baby should go to the doctor or not? Simple, just remember this acronym – BOSS. Ask yourself the following question: “If I had to explain to my boss that I missed an important meeting or phone call to take my child to the doctor, would my boss feel that the reason for the doctor visit justified the work absence?” In other words – kid is throwing up, feverish, discharging yucky stuff – by all means go to the doctor. Kid is crying uncontrollably and turning red – go to the doctor. Kid has dirt under his fingernails – wash his hands, skip the doctor and then go to the office. But, first stop at the local pharmacy and get yourself a grip and a clue.
4. How can we tell whether our pediatrician is good or not? A few key tips. Ask your doctor who Mr. Noodle is. If he or she doesn’t know, that’s a tell-tale sign that the doctor isn’t a fan of Elmo and has no business being around kids. (For the record, Mr. Noodle is a whack-job). Also, if your pediatrician wears cargo shorts, flip flops, doesn’t wash his or her hands or sports a Hitler mustache, then you should look elsewhere.
5. A Hitler mustache? Why on Earth would a doctor have a Hitler mustache? Exactly! You see one of those, you run. Same for that weird haircut too.
6. Do you recommend a certain kind of health insurance for pediatric services? Yeah, the kind that provides coverage and doesn’t have a deductible so high, you need to do a NASA launch to reach it. Other than that, insurance is relatively the same from carrier to carrier, unless the GOP has its way, in which case insurance will be the same for rich people, and poor people will go back to using leeches and bleeding as the main forms of treatment for all illnesses and injuries.
7. Whenever we go to the pediatrician, they always take our child’s temperature, even if he doesn’t have a fever, and even if the reason we’re there has nothing to do with body temperature. What’s that about? What would you prefer they do? Just take a wild guess? Just put their hands on the child’s head and say, “um, I’m gonna say…uh, 94.” Besides, the assistant who accompanied you to the room needs to do something to justify his or her existence and needs to say they did something to convince the doctor they should be paid. So, why are you beefing? It doesn’t hurt you, and it doesn’t cost you anything.
8. Recently our child was exposed to coxsackie. Should we be worried? What should we do? First of all, you should PANIC! Coxsackie is a maximum security correctional facility located in upstate New York. If your child was exposed to that, then there is something seriously amiss. If, on the other hand, you are talking about the coxsackie virus, never fear. Just do the following. Wrap your child in Egyptian cotton sheets (600 thread count or better) and then recite the following 3 times: “Oh coxsackie. Oooh coxsackie. Won’t you please go home?” Then, unwrap the child, burn the sheets and, then, and only then, go to your pediatrician who will tell you that there is absolutely nothing they can do, but don’t worry, it’ll run its course in a week or two, whereupon you will be handed a bill for that sage wisdom and advice.
9. Are pediatrician’s offices dirty? No, you’re thinking of the pornographer’s office. All kidding aside, it has been rumored that if you stacked all the germs in a pediatrician’s office, end to end, you could build a land bridge from here to the secret lair where Mitt Romney keeps his offshore bank accounts and his tax returns for the last 12 years.
10. Will Obamacare affect my relationship with my pediatrician? No. If you want to cheat on your husband with the pediatrician, there’s really nothing that President Obama or the Affordable Health Care Act can do about that. However, keep an eye on the GOP. They’re the ones waiving the family values flag, and they’re the ones who like to come snooping into people’s bedrooms from time to time. In fact, just yesterday I saw a political ad run by the Koch Brothers (aka the Romney Campaign) which said that Obamacare causes Soccer Moms to cheat on their spouses. And this surprised me, because I always thought what causes Soccer Moms to cheat was being married to boring, fat dudes who insist on wearing their cellphones clipped to the belts on their khakis and don’t understand that instead of being worried about Obamacare, they ought to be worried about O-Hot-Momma-Care.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
