My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 11 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#63) — Baby and Solid Foods
1. My husband and I have an 11-month old son, and he won’t eat solid food. What’s the problem? Just because you watch Iron Chef, doesn’t make you one. Maybe your food tastes like dirty socks.
2. But, we give our son baby food, and he still won’t eat. Did you ever taste baby food? It’s awful. And, the combos are even worse. Why would anyone in their right mind mix broccoli and pears.
3. So, how do we get our son to eat? You eat it first. Then tell him he can’t have it. If that doesn’t work, tell him that if he eats everything on his plate, Bravo will take the Kardashians off the air. That should do it.
4. I’m worried, though, that our son has started with solid food too late and that it will affect him negatively. How? Are you worried that he won’t eat solid food? I wouldn’t worry too much. You ever see an adult walking around drinking breast milk and passing on hamburgers?
5. Speaking of breast milk, how long can we breastfeed our son after he starts eating solid food regularly? Well, you can continue to do that as long as you want basically. Your husband, on the other hand, can’t breastfeed your son at all unless he’s a genetic anomaly or he’s wearing Robert DeNiro’s invention from Meet the Fockers.
6. Are any solid foods off limits for an 11-month old? Yes, caviar (there’s a worldwide boycott of Iranian caviar in place currently), Chik-fil-A (anyone who gets on the wrong side of the Muppets is not worth your time), and fried chocolate bars.
7. My husband and I want to serve our son organic food. What do you think? I think you’re Yuppies. Poor people don’t worry about organic.
8. What do you think of preservatives? I think they keep food from going bad. I also think that if you pump someone full of them, their body won’t decompose after they die.
9. Is it okay to heat baby food in the microwave? Yeah, if you don’t care about plastic melting into a baby’s food like American Cheese melting out the sides of a grilled cheese sandwich.
10. How do we get our son to eat vegetables? Eating vegetables is un-American. If you want your son to eat vegetables, move to France and become a Communist.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
