My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 11 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#64) – Diaper Rash
1. My husband and I have an 11-month old son, and he seems to be suffering diaper rash. What causes that? Bad parenting.
2. No, seriously, what causes it? Seriously. Bad parenting. Change the diaper. Clean the kid’s “area.” Use some triple-paste. Get with the program.
3. Yeah, but doesn’t diaper rash happen sometimes, even if you do all those things? Yeah, if you use coarse sandpaper instead of baby-wipes. What’s wrong with you?
4. But, we do everything we’re supposed to. I use extra-gentle wipes. I change the baby’s diaper constantly. I use triple-paste and lots of it. And, the baby still has diaper rash. What’s going on? Your child is a demon. Perhaps even the devil himself. Did his head spin around 360 degrees, and did he spit up pea soup? If so, you may want to call your local parish Priest. Or, buy some Elmo tapes. The Devil is afraid of Elmo
5. You’re kidding. The Devil is afraid of Elmo? I’m not kidding. Have you ever seen the Devil on Sesame Street? I rest my case.
6. But, about that diaper rash. If it won’t go away, what should I do? Hmmm, well, let’s see. I suggest that you get some Egyptian cotton sheets (1000 thread count or higher). Tear it into strips. Then soak that in a 4-quart pot filled with a equal parts pureed chicken livers, apple cider vinegar, Cream of Tartar, Turmeric, and ¼ cup of the child’s own urine. Or, you could …I don’t know…maybe go to the pediatrician. If you choose the first method, let me know. I have some real estate I’d like to sell.
7. If we go to the doctor, what might be the diagnosis? Not sure, but here are my guesses: That you’re a bad parent. That your kid is ugly. That you and your husband have no business being married or procreating. That Barrack Obama, while not responsible for the bad economy, is not doing a good enough job explaining to the American people why what he’s doing is the prudent course of action. That Mitt Romney is a guy with no real principles and no plan and no raison d’etre for why he wants to be President, other than naked ambition and the nauseating sense of entitlement that often comes with being disgustingly rich. That the heath care crisis in this country is real. That the Mets suck and always will. And, that there is little better in this world than a ripe summer Peach.
8. That was mean. You’re right. I shouldn’t have said that your kid is ugly (or that the doctor might have said that). What I should have said is that you and your husband are ugly and that your child shares your DNA.
9. It’s not our fault. I know. Your parents were probably really ugly too.
10. Meantime, what about the diaper rash? Just let the kid run around naked in the open air for a while. Then use tons of triple-paste and change the diaper a lot, and you’ll be fine. And, don’t worry, the worst that’ll happen is that the kid will have incessant diaper rash till he’s fully potty trained. That’s only a couple of years away.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
