My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 11 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#65) – Babyproofing
1. My husband and I have an 11-month old son, and he seems to want to get into everything? Why all this exploration? He’s looking for a way to escape from you guys.
2. No, seriously, what causes it? Seriously, he’s curious. He’s curious to learn ways to rid himself of you.
3. No, come on, be serious. Okay, I’ll be serious. He’s curious to find something stimulating to do because looking at you is boring.
4. How do we get him not to go into pantry? Here’s a thought – you could pull the door shut and lock it. Little Baby Einstein is smart, but he doesn’t know how to pick locks yet, does he?
5. What about electrical outlets? What about them? Unless you want your precious bundle to recreate Ben Franklin’s discovery of electricity, you should baby-proof those.
6. How do we babyproof the toilet? I know one way – let your husband do one of his usual “Big Whopper #2 With Extra Toxins” and then leave the door open. Your child will go nowhere near the bathroom after that.
7. Any suggestions about how to keep utensils away from the baby? Here’s a thought – how about locked drawers? Ever hear of those? Although given that you folks are such cultural Philistines, I’m surprised to learn that you have utensils.
8. What about cosmetics? How do we keep those away from baby? How about using some on yourself? Then maybe you won’t have a bunch lying around. I’ve seen better faces on clocks and better heads on lettuce.
9. What do we do about wires? Wireless, everyone. Wireless.
10. When will the baby know to stop doing things he’s not supposed to? I don’t know. When are you going to stop doing things you’re not supposed to do?
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
