So stoked; just thought of a great way to get joke ideas: eat dinner in an upscale, quiet restaurant and eavesdrop on the people’s conversations. My first new joke is gonna start out, “Girl says to her friend, ‘Why is that little asshole staring at us?…”
I’m gonna be really pissed if that Michael Phelps thinks his 18 gold medals justifies him raising the price of my kids’ swimming lessons.
Jim Croce hasn’t done shit since “Leroy Brown,” and don’t give me that old, tired, “He died” excuse.
The Obama fundraising team is raffling off a chance to shoot hoops with him, Michael Jordan, and other NBA stars. Romney immediately countered with a raffle to sit in a room and count Clint Eastwood’s wrinkles.
Marvin Hamlisch has died. Not of the embarrassment for not having had a hit in 30 years, but from the embarrassment of being a Jew whose name starts with “Ham”.
Shoes usually like Black Polish jokes.
“No, I’m not an insomniac. I sleep all day at work.”
Usain Bolt is the world’s fastest man. Not if you speak to my wife.
I honestly can’t think of a single thing or person in the world that I’d be less willing to do something for than a Klondike Bar.
If you’re stressed out and in NYC, I highly recommend a ride on the Staten Island Ferry. Its very relaxing, free, and can cool you off on a summer day. Lots of tourists from all over the world. Easiest pick-pocketing on Earth.
Neil Berliner is a writer for the syndicated late-night comedy talk show, The John Kerwin Show. He is a practicing M.D. and comedy writer, and has written aired lines for 11 major roasts since 2006 including Matt Lauer, Artie Lange, Mario Batali, Andy Dick, Pat Cooper, William Shatner, and Flavor Flav. Join Neil on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
