My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 11 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#66) – Summer Vacations
1. My husband and I have an 11-month old son, and we’re planning our end of summer vacation. Any thoughts? Yeah, I think you and your husband are delusional.
2. Why? Because taking an 11-month old child on a trip is not a vacation. It’s like training for the decathlon if one of the events consisted of getting pooped on and cried at.
3. But, I’ve read there are many infant-friendly destinations. Yeah, if you’re rich. But, you’re not rich. If you were rich, you wouldn’t have written to me, you would have called Jeeves to pull the limo out front, sent the nanny ahead with the child to the Hamptons and then helicoptered out there after your Sushi and champagne dinner on the veranda.
4. But middle-class people take vacations too. HAH! (Please note the use of all caps). There is no such thing as “middle class” now. Middle class means “poor with a credit card.” It means you pay taxes because poor people can’t and rich people won’t. You’re not middle class. It’s simply that you have just enough money not to qualify for food stamps or Medicaid. However, I’m sure Paul Ryand and Mitt Romney can help you out with that (they’ll take it away from everybody, then you’ll be like everyone else).
5. How about a staycation? Again, not a vacation. That’s just staying home and walking around the house reminding yourself with each waking hour how little you have and how you can’t afford to go away.
6. So, what do we do? Move to Canada. Or panic. Whichever you prefer.
7. We really just want to take a vacation. Nothing fancy. Maybe just a long weekend in a cabin at the beach in Maine. You know, Canada is very close to Maine. I say skip the vacation and just move.
8. Seriously, why can’t we just drive up to Maine and relax for a weekend? You can drive up there, but I defy you to relax. You will have a child with you who will keep you on a schedule (including in that million-hour car ride to Maine).
9. So, what should we do — give up? Yes. Face it. You are parents now. You don’t get vacations, time off, or breaks. Your money and your life are not your own. So give up and give in to the hard cold reality that you are just food for the next generation, just a donkey carrying the next generation on your back. That’s it. And, donkeys don’t get days off.
10. But, I want a vacation. Hey, so do we all. You think I want to sit in front of this computer and respond to your whining? I’d rather be in St. Tropez. But, you do what you gotta do.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
