My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is a year-old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#67) – Planning for Year 2
1. Our son is having his first birthday, and we’re wondering what to expect for year two. It’s terrible. It’s the terrible twos. And, it lasts for two years.
2. What milestones can we expect in this next year? For sure, you’ll start drinking more. Also, you’ll have even less sex (as if that’s possible). And, finally, expect to go to the emergency room at least once after your son gets into something at home that he wasn’t supposed to be able to get into.
3. What about developmental achievements? Well, I’d say you and your husband are both likely to develop extra weight around the middle, migraine headaches from anxiety and lack of sleep, and a large emergency room bill.
4. Isn’t this the age where we can comfortably leave our son overnight with his grandparents? Only if this is the age at which you’d comfortably like to get yelled at and cursed out once your son keeps Granny and Grandpa up all night and gets into something at their house he shouldn’t, and they have to take him to the Emergency Room.
5. Why do you keep saying we’ll have to go the emergency room? Because at some point, your son is going to decide to stick a fork in an electrical outlet or see if he can take a bath in the toilet or do a half-gainer off the back of the sofa, and you’re be a half-tick too slow to do anything but watch as it happens and then watch as he starts crying so hard he eventually stops making sound. You’ll also then have the pleasurable experience of stubbing your toe so hard you break it in your efforts to race around looking for the car keys in the half-lit house.
6. What else should we look forward to in this next year? You should look forward to vodka, retirement, and your child’s permanent move out of your house. But, in the meantime, you should look forward to the fact that now that your child is going to stop breastfeeding your food bills are going to start to go way up.
7. How will we know if our son is keeping pace with normal height and weight gains? The food bills and the soiled diapers will tell you everything you need to know. If his poop is the size of a raisin, something’s up, and he’s probably a bit underweight. If his poop looks likes it was left by a circus elephant, your son may be growing too fast.
8. Now that he’s past the one-year mark, can we allow our son to watch TV? Yes, as long as you watch shows filled with gratuitous sex and violence and with no redeeming social values. That way he’ll get used to what’s on TV most of the time and what’s going on with politics all of the time.
9. What about vaccinations? They’re fine, but they won’t inoculate your child against stupid people.
10. Our son is very active, when will be able to tell whether he’s athletic or not? Forget it. Give up. He’s not getting that football scholarship, so you better figure out another way to pay for college.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
