My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is one-year old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#70): The Changing Table
1. My husband and I have a one-year old son. He resists when we put him on the changing table. Why? Because he knows that a leopard can’t change his spots, and an incompetent parent can’t change a diaper.
2. Is he afraid of the changing table? No, he’s afraid that you’re going to diaper his face and leaves his bottom exposed.
3. Are all babies afraid of the changing table? Yes, because they don’t want to change. They want to stay cute and lovable. Not become adults with problems that no one likes.
4. Are there other reasons? Yes. Parents who refer to #2 as “Deuce Newton.”
5. Our son seems to want to rock and roll when he’s on the changing table. Should we be concerned? What should really concern you is your insistence on using the archaic term “rock and roll.”
6. Do people use changing tables in other countries? No. In other countries, they are so advanced that children don’t even poop. They’re just like women, who also never poop.
7. How many handwipes should you have on hand near the changing table? Enough to erase the damage and erase the memory from your brain.
8. How will we know when our son is old enough to graduate from changing table to potty? When he says, “Ma, I gotta take a dump. Bring me the sports section.”
9. What do you think of changing tables in public restrooms? I think that they’re a little too high off the ground for a good game of craps, unless you’re taking about the real craps, in which case, probably just the right height.
10. What’s the best brand of changing table? The one that comes with someone else who will operate it.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
