My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is a year old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#72) — Family Pets.
1. My husband and I have an 13-month old son. I think he’d like a dog. What do you think? I think your son will definitely like your husband.
2. My husband’s not a dog. That’s not what the nanny says.
3. Seriously, are there any things we should worry about? Well, if you think your son’s going to walk the dog, think again.
4. That’s a good point. How do we train our son to walk the dog and clean up after it? Bribery works pretty well. Of course, at 13 months, you son doesn’t really understand the value of a dollar (but, then again, no kid on the Planet does either). You might try bribing him with booby. Every man loves booby.
5. Are there any kinds of dogs we shouldn’t get our son? Yeah, one that eats children.
6. Which kinds are those? The ones that you forget to feed.
7. What about cats? What about ‘em, they’re not dogs.
8. No, would you recommend getting a cat instead of a dog? They’re not interchangeable. It’s like you’re asking me “should I read a book or should I go for a jog?”
9. But, you don’t have to walk cats? Yeah, but you have to put up with their attitude.
10. So what should we do? Eat right, exercise, treat people with respect and get a dog (and lots of newspaper for it to poop on).
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
