My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is a year old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#73) — Coping with Family Absences.
1. My husband and I have a 14-month old son, and my husband is going on a business trip. How do we prevent separation anxiety? Get your husband a teddy bear.
2. I meant for the baby. Oh, well, you should go with your husband, and then your son won’t be anxious about you still being at home.
3. No, seriously, are there steps we should take? Yes, take photos of your husband doing his daily rituals (sleeping, not taking out the garbage, picking his nose, yelling at the football players on the TV), and then post those in your son’s room. It’ll be like your husband never left.
4. What if our son acts out while my husband is away? Acts out what? A scene from the Godfather? He’ll be fine.
5. Should we consider having our son accompany my husband on his next business trip? I don’t know. How do you feel about your son drinking kamikaze shots at the hotel bar and going to a strip club?
6. My husband travels a lot. Should I worry about the effect of his repeat absences on our son? I’d worry more about all those kamikazes your husband is drinking and those strip club bills. A few more business trips, and your son’s tuition money will be sending the child of Amber the Kind-Hearted Stripper to college.
7. Are there noise machines we can get to help our son adjust to my husband’s absence? Yeah, it’s called a whoopee cushion.
8. What can I do while my husband is away to make our son feel at ease? Well, you could stop asking him every five minutes if he’s okay.
9. Should my husband postpone his business trip till our son is a little older? Not unless you want your husband to be unemployed.
10. What if our son accomplishes milestones while my husband is away? How can I record those? Take a picture and email it to your husband with a note that says “nah-nah-nah-nah-nah-ee what you missed.” Then he’ll send you a photo from the bar with the same message, and you guys will be about even.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
