My wife and I have a young son named Ivan. He is 14 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#76) – Watching Football.
1. Our 14-month old son really seems to enjoy watching football with my husband. Are men born with an innate desire to watch and enjoy Football? Not as much as they are born with an innate desire to confound women and get some peace and quiet from them.
2. Do you really think that our 14-month old understands what he’s watching? Grown men fighting over a small piece of turf? It’s like the old tribal hunter/gatherers fighting over hunting territory. What could be more fundamental to the human condition? Besides, every man loves a good beer commercial with hot chicks in bikinis.
3. Do you think that watching football will lead our son to become violent? No, I think that if you allow him to play video games include “shoot the head off that guy” that will lead him to become violent.
4. Seriously, the game seems so violent. Isn’t there some risk this will have an impact on our son? I think there’s a much greater risk that the commercials will cause him to develop an unhealthy desire to eat Taco Bell, and to drink enough beer to drown an elephant.
5. I want to watch with them, but the game is so long & boring. What should I do? You should never say that aloud again. What are you, a Communist?
6. If I do watch with them, what are some of the basics, I should know? Cheerleaders for Southern teams are hotter than the cheerleaders for teams in the Northeast and Midwest, and beer commercials are funnier than car commercials.
7. By the way, where do they get the announcers for football games, and why do they wear those horrible suits? The announcers are all former football players who no longer watch their weight. Accordingly, they have to shop at the infamous “Big Neck & Gut” men’s clothing stores, which specializes in dark, pinstriped suits that are supposed to b slimming, but really make these guys look like middle-aged sausages, jammed into a charcoal grey sausage casing.
8. If our son decides he wants to play football, what should I do? Buy him a soccer ball. Football is fun to watch, but you want your son playing a sport where getting a concussion isn’t as commonplace as spitting and adjusting his crotch.
9. Is it okay for our son to watch a football game for 3 hours? Well, he could watch it for less, but he won’t see the whole thing. Besides, most Americans watch way more tv than that, and nothing happens to them…except for a little obesity, Type II Diabetes, heart-disease and lack of education and knowledge.
10. Are you saying that Americans are fat and stupid? No, I’m saying that Americans are the only people on the planet who think that competitive eating of things that cause heart disease is a legitimate athletic endeavor.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
