My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 15 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#78) – Parenting in the Age of Obama.
1. My husband and I have an 15-month old son. We are an interracial couple, and our son is Biracial. How should we raise him in this Age of Obama? You should all spike the ball and do the Victor Cruz, salsa-touchdown dance.
2. Seriously, will the President’s re-election affect our parenting? Well, the good news is that unlike in a Romney Administration, if your son gets a marble stuck in his nose, you won’t have to go to the Emergency Room.
3. What about education for our son? Under President Obama, your son will be able to study things other than mergers and acquisitions, and he won’t have to line up to get a voucher to pay for his slot in the “Ayn Rand Academy of the Financial Dark Arts.”
4. What can we do at home to help our son prepare for life under the 2nd term of Obama? Teach him how to face down bullies. They’re everywhere, especially in the Tea Party, on Fox News, and in the House of Representatives on the Republican side of the aisle.
5. Is it true that Mitt Romney was going to cut funding for Big Bird? Yes, unless by “Big Bird” you mean the Defense Department’s new, supersonic nuclear-powered and invisible airplane that costs just a mere $50 billion per plane.
6. Are there going to be any negative impacts of Obama’s reelection? Yes, most likely, Sheldon Adelson and the Koch Brothers will buy the United States, fire everyone they deem “expendable” (i.e., anyone non-White with income below $500K per year) and outlaw the learning or speaking of Spanish.
7. Seriously, how likely is that to happen? True. The Kochs and Adelson can’t afford to buy all of the United States. They’ll just buy the middle of the country and declare it a “No-Fly” Zone, which will make it impossible to fly from NYC to California, thereby crippling the entertainment industry and the liberal media.
8. How can we stop them? Continue to do what you’re doing – i.e., have as many multiracial, non-white children as you possibly can have. If possible, teach them Spanish, Chinese of Hindi as a first language.
9. On another topic, what can we expect to see in video games in President Obama’s 2nd term? Keep your eyes peeled for “Free To Be, You And Me” the video game, with special guest commentary by Rachel Maddow and Lawrence O’Donnell.
10. What’s the number one best thing for kids in an Obama 2d term? Well, if you want your kid to emulate someone, a multiracial person, raised in a very modest lifestyle, who literally willed himself to the Presidency based on motivation and education, who’s a devoted family man with a great wife and kids, is a pretty good role model.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
