My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 15 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#78) – Thanksgiving.
1. My husband and I have a 15-month old son. We’re preparing for Thanksgiving. Is there anything we shouldn’t feed him? Yeah, stop feeding him this nonsense that you’re gonna send him to college. You’ll be lucky if you’ll be able to afford to buy him a tree-shaped air freshener to hang in the jalopy he drives off to his first job in the Peace Corps, which he’s forced to go into since you guys can’t afford college.
2. Seriously, what shouldn’t we feed him at the Thanksgiving table? I’d avoid anything you don’t want to have to scrape off the walls after he flings it there.
3. Is it okay to feed him turkey? Depends. Who’s cooking it? If Grandma, then okay. If you’re cooking, stick with giving your son saltines.
4. No, I mean is it okay for him to eat turkey meat at his age? It’s probably fine. But, remember, no one likes turkey, so why are you bothering?
5. Is it okay for me to breastfeed at the dinner table? Yes, it’s fine. But, just know that Grandpa and Uncle Harry may line up for seconds. Also, try not to drop your saggy booby in the soup.
6. What desserts are okay for our son? I recommend yogurt and chia seeds. It’s healthy, nutritious, and you’ll have the pleasure of cleaning up a prodigious B.M. about 12 hours later.
7. I’ve read that Europeans give their kids alcohol as toddlers. Is it okay to give our son a drop of wine? Sure, why not? How about two tabs of acid and a vial full of heroin also? Are you nuts? You’re taking your cues from the Europeans? What’s next? You’re gonna say we should adopt their austerity economic policies?
8. My husband is a big football fan. Is it okay for our son to watch football with him after Thanksgiving dinner? Yes. If you let them watch before the meal, you’ll never see them for the meal. By contrast, after the meal, at least one, if not both of them, will take a nap, leaving you free to read 50 Shades of Grey and to talk about your husband and what a non-participatory parent he is.
9. Is it okay to let our son play with toys at the table? Don’t worry, he’s gonna play with everything on the table anyway. Be prepared to pull the carving knife out of someone’s arm.
10. What’s the most important lesson of Thanksgiving to impart to our son? That he should give thanks for living in a country so teeming with riches that your most likely cause of death is from over-eating food you didn’t have to catch or cook while watching TV or playing video games and that when you go, no one will ever berate you for a bad lifestyle but will bemoan the state of health care and medicine in this country.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
