My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 16 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#84) – New Year’s Eve.
1. Would it be bad to keep our 16-month old up till midnight so he can celebrate the New Year? Define “bad.” By “bad” do you mean selfish, self-absorbed, ill-considered, poorly-conceived, and not at all in the child’s best interests? If so, then, yes, it’s a bad idea.
2. But, why is staying up late such a bad idea? Unlike you, your child’s brain is still forming and growing. Plus, your child hasn’t yet learned that New Year’s Eve is just another way or marking how few of its goals and dreams its accomplished, and you should let your child continue to not know that for awhile.
3. How can we celebrate New Year’s with our toddler? By sticking to your resolutions this year and actually making something of yourself.
4. Can toddlers understand the concept of New Year’s? No, they basically just see January 1 as just another day with rotten, miserable parents who will scar them emotionally.
5. Isn’t there anything about New Year’s that a toddler can appreciate? Yes, if you get drunk, pass out and sleep through January 1, that will a day of relative peace and quiet for your child.
6. With the coming of the New Year, are there any new parenting resources available? Well, as is so often is the case, what’s old is what’s new. In other words – do your job and stop looking for a magic pill that will take care of your child like some sort of Super-Nanny on steroids. Parenting is hard work. So, put “hard work” on your list of New Year’s resolutions.
7. Are there any festive New Year’s meals we can feed our toddler? Yes, we suggest food, instead of that processed muck you’ve been feeding him. You wanna eat like a college kid with a 7-11 coupon, go right ahead, but feed your kid some fruits and vegetables.
8. At what age is it appropriate to have child stay up to watch the ball drop on New Year’s Eve? Whenever the child is old enough to walk your drunk ass to bed.
9. Our 3 year-old asked why New Year’s was on December 31. What’s the answer? Because I said so. That’s the answer to any question your child asks to which you don’t know the answer. Obviously, you’re not very good at this parenting thing, are you?
10. What’s the best children’s New Year’s TV special? The one that involves you reading to your child with the television off. Got it?
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
