My wife and I have 16 month-old son named Ivan. He is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#85) – Parenting in the New Year.
1. With the start of the New Year, we want to start fresh with our 16-month old toddler. NY recommendations? Yes, stop kidding yourself. Everyone knows “start fresh” is code for you screwed up badly in the past. You know it. Your child knows it. Everyone knows it. Own it. Just try not to make the same mistakes again and again.
2. Are there certain parenting resolutions that we should implement with this New Year? Yes, resolve to get a job that pays enough to support your child. Resolve to not use television as a babysitter. And, resolve to diet enough so that your ass shrinks enough so that your child can see the TV when you fail to live up to resolution number two.
3. How is parenting different in 2013 than in 2012? Well, if you make more than $450,000 as a household, one big difference is you’re going to pay more in taxes, which means you have less money for sending junior to the “Human School For the Not-Quite-Gifted-And-Only-Modestly-Talented.”
4. What parenting trends should we expect to see in 2013? Well thanks to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, I suspect that out-of-wedlock biracial children with ridiculously thick eyebrows and no class will be all the rage in 2013.
5. Do you think we’ll see a social media platform dedicated just to children? Yes, it already exists. It’s called Facebook, and you can see as many baby pictures on there as you want to see any time, any day. Alternatively, you can check this other very quaint social media platform. It’s called the family photo album.
6. What about guns? Are we going to see legislation that will protect children from guns in 2013? Maybe. Of course, what we really need is legislation protecting children from people who have guns.
7. What children’s fashion trends do you see developing in 2013? I see the return of dirt and snot on a child’s clothes as a badge of honor. It will indicate that the child doesn’t stay indoors all day.
8. I read recently that childhood obesity is on the decline. Is that true? Yes, however, pursuant to the laws of physics that things are not created or destroyed, all that mass has been transferred to adults who are now more obese than ever.
9. What other parenting trends do you see developing in 2013? I think in 2013 we may see the first reality TV show that takes place entirely within the delivery room. It’ll be called You Did This To Me You A**hole, and each week we will see another couple that has no business being together arguing about their relationship and how much they dislike each other just minutes before the woman gives birth.
10. What’s the best thing about parenting in 2013? The best thing about parenting in 2013 is the same best thing as always. It never changes. And, once you figure it out, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
