My wife and I have an 19-month-old son named Ivan. He is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called:
#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#96) – Computer Use.
1. Our son is 19 months old. Is it okay for him to use the computer? If he’s a Chinese cyber-hacker, then the answer is no…unless he’s been turned by the CIA and is operating as a double-agent for the U.S., in which case it’s okay, as long as he’s in bed by 8.
2. Is it okay for toddlers to be on the computer? If by “on” you mean, standing, sitting, kneeling, pounding, or drooling, then I would say “no.”
3. Okay, not “on.” Is it okay for toddlers to use a computer? Of course, who else is going to show mommy and daddy how to retrieve the password for their ever-diminishing bank account and 401(k).
4. Seriously, should we be concerned about letting our toddler use our computer? Well, I wouldn’t let the little tyke use the computer in daddy’s den, you know the one that daddy uses late at night claiming that he’s doing “research.” By the way, you probably should remind daddy how to delete his browsing history and “cookies,” so that next time junior types in xxx by mistake, daddy’s filthy imagination doesn’t come spilling forth.
5. Are there things that we should allow our toddler to use the computer for? Well, if Baby Einstein can come up with an algorithm that will curb global warming, then let him have at it.
6. But, what apps or programs are best for toddlers? Sesame Street is good. As is Sid the Science Kid. Or, as always, “How to make your parents disappearance look like an accident so you can collect life insurance.”
7. Is there a risk to a toddler’s brain from computer use? You just fed him food filled with GMO soy, preservatives, pesticides and hormones, which you heated up in a microwave and fed to him as he sat not more than 2 feet from a television. You live in a city which periodically has ozone and smog alerts, and you live not far from a fracking well, which means there’s likely higher than acceptable levels of methane in your drinking water. And, his nanny/daycare teacher speaks grammatically incorrect English, including a very liberal use of the term “axe” when she means to say “ask.” And, you’re worried about the computer?
8. Is there a connection between computer use and childhood obesity? Only if you bring junk food to junior while he’s using the computer. Otherwise, last time I checked, junk food doesn’t come popping out of a computer screen, and junior is only 2 feet tall, and not quite adept enough to find the junk food, which you have hidden (or, at least, should have hidden).
9. Will using the computer affect my toddler’s eyesight? Not nearly as much as self-gratification.
10. Are there types of computers that are more well-suited to use by toddlers? Yeah, the ones you don’t mind getting destroyed.
