My wife and I have a 21 month-old son named Ivan. He is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called:
#TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib – Parental Exhaustion.
1. My husband and I have a 21 month-old son. He’s energetic, and we’re exhausted. What should we do? Break out the violin and play yourselves a sad song. Then snap out of it. This is what you signed up for.
2. Seriously, is there anything we can do to avoid feeling so tired? Amphetamines.
3. Really, what can we do to not be so tired? Sleep more. Of course, this will require ignoring your child. In which case you will be accused of neglect, will be prosecuted and will be sent to jail. So, the choice is yours – don’t sleep and care for your child or sleep and go to prison.
4. When do you think we’ll be able to get more sleep? The point at which parents are able to get more sleep is exactly the point at which kids are just old enough to actually do something bad – i.e., teenage. At which point you will decide not to sleep to make sure junior doesn’t do something that winds him up in jail.
5. So, let me get this straight, parents always feel tired? Exactly. This explains road rage, excessive drinking and the continued growth of the cruise industry.
6. Is there no way to combat exhaustion? Well, you could try a couple of things, such as watching golf, which. But even the sleep brought on by that will be short-lived when you hear your child wake up from his nap or he dumps cold water in your lap.
7. Does exhaustion age you? No, it ages you. I’m fine. I’m still a toddler. I’m not tired at all. But, you and parents like you – you guys look like the picture of Dorian Gray that’s hidden in the closet.
8. What about yoga? Yoga is great! But, not even the yoginis of Lululemon, Athleta, and Bikram hot yoga can save you. The best they can do for you is ensure that you will be tired, but flexible.
9. Were parents always this tired? Yes, and that explains why your parents weren’t really bile-filled despots who hated you, they were just so tired that hearing any noise, except that of coffee percolating set them off.
10. So, what are your recommendations for tired parents? Caffeine, caffeine, caffeine…and suck it up and stop complaining.
