My wife and I have an infant son named Ivan. He is 16 months old. Ivan is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#81) – Hanukkah.
1. My husband and I have a 16-month old son. We’re a Jewish family, and we’re preparing for Hanukkah. What are some things we should do to prepare? tart by knowing that your child will know that Hanukkah Harry doesn’t stack up to Santa no matter what you say.
2. Is it okay to have our 16-month old son help us light the Menorah? Yes, so long as you’re also okay with him knocking over the Menorah after its lit and then eating hot wax while the house burns down.
3. I want to make latkes (potato pancakes) for Hanukkah. What kind of potatoes do you recommend I should use? French fries. Listen, your son is 16 months, he’s not Bobby Flay, Mario Batali, Anthony Bourdain or Tom Colicchio. He’s not even that crazy-haired Guy Fiero. Cooking for him is crazy. Put some (and by “some” I mean 5) frozen french fries on the toaster tray, turn it 375 for 10 minutes and then serve. Better yet, cook up tater tots.
4. How do I explain the miracle of Hanukkah to our toddler? You don’t. Start with something much, much easier. Show him the miracle of how you can make dinner without burning it beyond recognition.
5. My wife’s family is Christian. Can we include them in our Hanukkah celebration? Yes, but you’ll have to circumcise all the men in her family first. Of course, since children will be present, you should definitely use kindergarten scissors.
6. Besides lighting candles and spinning a dreidel, what else should we do to celebrate Hanukkah? Give thanks that you don’t have to spend Christmas with a bunch of family members you don’t like. Instead you are free to go out for some delicious Chinese food and enjoy a hilarious movie at the local movie theater.
7. Do we really need to give our son a gift on each of the 8 days of Hanukkah? Yes, you cheap clown. However, there’s nothing to say you can’t take one big gift, break it into 8 pieces and give one piece per day.
8. Should we take our son to synagogue for the first night of Hanukkah? You can, but you’ll be the only one there. Hanukkah is not a big synagogue holiday. It’s more lighting candles and pretending that it’s as big a deal as Christmas.
9. Why don’t radio stations play Hanukkah songs countdown each year like they do for Christmas songs? Hmm…let’s see. I’d say, anti-semitism. Or, maybe it’s that there aren’t that many of those songs. How many times can you contort other words to rhyme with Hanukkah. Adam Sandler’s done a good job, but even he’s run out of ideas.
10. What’s the best part of Hanukkah? You mean besides the yearly intelligence briefing by the Mossad (the Israeli Secret Service)? I’d have to say it’s the pure joy of watching non-Jewish people try to pronounce Hanukkah correctly.
Alex Barnett is a comedian-writer based in New York City. He writes News from the Crib, a parenting blog about his experiences as a new father. Barnett has been featured in The Wall Street Journal, CNN.com and NYC-TV, and has performed at clubs, colleges and venues throughout the country. Barnett, a winner of the 12th Annual Gilda’s Club Laugh-Off, is a member Comedians at Law, a group of six comics who all left the law to pursue their dream. Fans can visit him at www.alexbarnettcomic.com, find him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter.
