My wife and I have an 18-month-old son named Ivan. He is very concerned that parents do right by their children (he is especially worried about my parenting skills). Ivan has decided to help out new parents by issuing a regular newsletter called: #TeamIvan’s: News From The Crib (#92) – Fever.
1. Our son is 18 months old, and he got a fever the other night. What should we do? You should’ve written to me the other night. By now, the kids’s probably so hot he melted.
2. What causes fever? Listening to the GOP explain their economic plans. Wait, sorry, that just causes headaches.
3. What does cause fever? Your body heats up in an effort to kill off unwanted invaders. Apparently, however, the invaders have been building up defenses, which is why we still have in-laws.
4. What’s the best way to treat a fever? The same way you’d treat a person with a nasty temper. With kid gloves, a lot of patience, and an unswerving determination to beat it no matter what.
5. Do you starve a cold and feed a fever or the other way around? No, actually, you feed a fool and starve yourself. Meaning, give to those too foolish to stock up for the winter and steer clear of the donuts and extra dessert fat-ass.
6. What is the best way to get a fever down quickly? See #4 above. Often, when kids learn that they’re not going to school, they’ll miraculously recover.
7. What does it mean when a fever breaks? That refers to a parent’s spirit and patience breaking after getting the run-around again from the pediatrician’s office.
8. What’s the best way to take a child’s temperature? I suggest a thermometer. If you want to just take a wild guess, I suppose that’s another way to go.
9. If our son has a fever, do we need to bring him to the hospital? Only if you like paying your deductible.
10. Can a fever be dangerous? A person’s temperature is like a gymnast’s or ballerina’s weight – it’s best when it’s in the very high 90s. The further you go above 100, the worse it is. The last thing you want is a 157-pound Romanian gymnast or a temperature that high. Either way, it will not be pretty.
